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Wednesday, July 16, 2008 ... Posted at 11:20 AM

Tired, sick and dying.
...

Ugh, for the past few days it seems that I am losing my mind. While I am at work my eyes just blur out -- maybe because I am paranoid as of late that I am losing my vision ... When I wake up in the morning I constantly feel fatigued and exhausted! I've had nightmares every single rest I take for the past two and a half week. As you can imagine, its driving my insane! Most of the times, it’s all just meaningless imageries but when I wake up, I feel so nervous and afraid. Christ, what is wrong with me?

Is this something telling me I need to take a withdrawal and relax somewhere?

Lately when I sit alone and think to myself, I have these strange visions that society is one giant factory that churns on people of all "models" and sorts. I feel that it’s controlling where I am going, and what I will do. It seems as if these steel cogs are going to slowly flatten me as I enter into the works.

I feel so frustrated sometimes because none of my western friends really understand me. Ironically, though I always say I hate Asian youths, it seems as if they are the people I can relate to.

For example, when my mom and dad got into a fight, he crushed the cell phone and threw it away. I wanted to pick up his SIM card because I knew he would look for it again in the future, but my mom stopped me and said he had plenty of money. The day after, what do you know, he asked me if I could find it for him. I looked at the disgusting bin in my kitchen and I noticed that it wasn't the same heap of trash ... so I knew what had happened, and I dreaded it. I resigned and slowly walked towards the dump and my doom. The toasty summer weather in the Californian valleys roasted the garbage like a zesty chicken. When I opened the lid contaminated with God-knows-what, a blast of gas attacked my sense of smell. I felt like vomiting, but I tried my best to hold my breath until I sorted through a few bags and picked a few that resembled yesterday's. My grandma later came out to help me after I had laid the bags on the ground.

Even though I had distanced myself from the dump, I could still smell the putrid odor emanating from yesteryear's food.

After sorting for awhile, I asked my grandma if my mom might have salvaged it, she said my mother was way too mad to do that! After a few more minutes of sorting, I gave up and called her. Well, what do you know; she had kept it safely in her room the whole time!

Gees.

Point of the story is, almost none of my friends understand the logic behind why I would go at such lengths to do such a thing.

I suppose I wanted to say: filial piety. Though that only made the conversation more confusing. I didn't feel like going on a sociological rant. Though my thoughts are: My pops works in hard conditions to provide me home, food and an education. Is it really too much to ask out of me to look for something for him?

I guess in this independent and selfish country, it is!


~~~~


Well, I am going to my orientation this weekend. To be honest with you, I always liked Irvine, but for some reason, I feel embarrassed that I am going. Why? Maybe I just anticipated on the brand name colleges so badly and when I was rejected, I suffered some kind of ... mental trauma that I never recovered from. I think what hit me the hardest was what my mom said about how I just ended up in the same place as my brother. Then I thought about all those sleepless nights, constant terror, studying -- all of that, and I suppose feel upset and angry ... thinking I should have had more.

I was rather happy-go-lucky about it until my aunt’s wedding where I had an encounter with some old Asian ladies that asked me what school I was going to, and cackled at my response. Cackled like the sound of objects scratching against a chalk board.

Perhaps one thing that haunts me is how I decided not to apply for University of Chicago ... my dream school. The only thing that was really in my way was fear: fear that I didn't have enough money, fear that it was too far, fear I wouldn't get in ... in retrospect, it seems so petty and irrational. I should have just followed my heart instead of letting paranoia get the best of me.

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Name: K.Y.L.
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